


Uniform Gets In Touch With Naturism

by Augustus



Series: Unseen Episodes [4]
Category: The Bill
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-10-13
Updated: 2001-10-13
Packaged: 2018-03-08 18:11:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3218540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augustus/pseuds/Augustus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why Uniform was naked in the station car park.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Uniform Gets In Touch With Naturism

**Author's Note:**

> There are a few in-jokes within. Sorry! A couple of uniform-wearers have been excluded. They were obviously off sick this day...

_(A sunny spring morning. The Sun Hill car park is empty - except of course for the vast assortment of police vehicles. On the brick wall beside the ramp 'L.A. loves T.S.' is written inside an oversized heart, while the opposite wall bears a chalk 'Luke 4 Tony'. The sole panda not out on duty has a new sticker on its bumper bar, a glossy red specimen asserting 'no fat chicks', while the van bears a similar sticker with the slogan 'no CID'._

_The quiet and stillness is broken by the sudden appearance of George Garfield, who bursts from the entry cage in a flurry of teary angst and runs to the middle of the car park. He is completely and utterly naked, as nude as the day he was born.)_

GARFIELD: Nooooooooo!

_(George is obviously rather distressed. Which is quite lucky for us, as it means he's more than happy to prattle away merrily to himself.)_

GARFIELD: How could you do this to me, Dave? How?

_(He begins to pace around the car park, tears raining down his cheeks, his brows furrowed in agitation.)_

GARFIELD: _(sobs)_ What does she have that I don’t?

_(There is the scrape of an opening window behind him and Garfield turns to look at Matthew Boyden, who is now hanging out of said window.)_

BOYDON: Put it away, Garfield.

GARFIELD: _(dazedly)_ Whaaat?

BOYDON: You're out of uniform on duty. That's a reportable offence, you know. If June Ackland catches you, you'll be in big trouble. Where the _hell_ are your clothes?

GARFIELD: In the locker room, Sarge.

BOYDON: Well go and put them on, then! You're making me ill.

GARFIELD: _(petulantly)_ I can't.

BOYDON: Why not? You seem pretty good at taking them _off_.

GARFIELD: Dave's in there.

BOYDON: So? I thought that'd be an added incentive for you.

GARFIELD: Jenny's in there too.

BOYDON: Now, that's just kinky.

_(Garfield's response to this is to just wail a little harder.)_

BOYDON: It's going to be one of _those_ days, is it?

GARFIELD: _(obviously deciding that Boydie is an ideal confidante)_ He was meant to be doing that with _me_.

BOYDON: What? _(pause)_ No, wait, I doubt I really want to know.

GARFIELD: _(heedlessly pouring his little heart out)_ Dave and I were meant to be meeting in the locker room for a... _(sob)_... illicit tryst.

BOYDON: I was right. I _don't_ want to know.

GARFIELD: But, when I went in there, all nuded up and ready to go...

_(Meanwhile, poor Sergeant Boyden is being copiously ill onto the concrete below the window)_

GARFIELD: ...She was there!

BOYDON: _(wiping his mouth)_ Please be quiet now.

GARFIELD: They were... _(gulp)_... doing it!

BOYDON: That woman really does have quite abysmal taste.

GARFIELD: _(obviously quite hung up on the idea)_ Doing it!

BOYDON: I'd dump her if I were you.

GARFIELD: Huh?

BOYDON: Jenny. She's not much of a girlfriend.

GARFIELD: I don't _care_ about Jenny! Dave's the one I'm in love with!

BOYDON: Which would explain the naked tryst thing.

GARFIELD: Exactly. _(wails)_ I love him and he was shagging my girlfriend.

BOYDON: That sucks.

GARFIELD: _(wail)_

BOYDON: I mean, it's usually _me_ who goes around shagging other people's girlfriends.

GARFIELD: _(blows his nose)_

BOYDON: Oh, go put some clothes on for goodness sake! You're ruining my lovely view.

_(He climbs back inside the building and slams the window closed pointedly, causing a crack to extend along the glass pane.)_

GARFIELD: _(to his departed audience)_ You don't understand! No one understands! My heart is breaking and nobody bloody cares!

_(With his confidante gone, George goes back to aimlessly pacing the car park, in full view of the CID office windows above. The fact that he's totally nude doesn't seem to be bothering him at all, which is lucky for him, perhaps, but not so lucky for anyone who happens to look out a window._

_There is a flurry of noise from over at the cage, and Bob Cryer emerges. He, thankfully, is fully dressed. As he catches sight of Garfield, he stops suddenly, mouth dropping open in a combination of shock and disgust.)_

CRYER: _(nauseously)_ Boyden said you were causing a disturbance out here. _(pause)_ He didn't say you were naked, though.

GARFIELD: He wouldn't, would he?

CRYER: Obviously not.

GARFIELD: He doesn't understand.

CRYER: No? Well, I doubt I'll be any more helpful.

GARFIELD: _(sobbing)_ No one can help!

CRYER: I can bring you some clothes if you'd like.

GARFIELD: Why bother with clothes when my life is over?!?

CRYER: For the sake of anyone who chances to look out a window?

GARFIELD: Just because _you're_ too old to understand...

CRYER: Pardon?

GARFIELD: Well, I mean, I shouldn't have been silly enough to think you'd remember...

CRYER: Remember? What do you think I am? Ancient?

GARFIELD: Yep.

CRYER: Thanks a bloody lot.

GARFIELD: Well, let's face it, you're a bit past it, aren't you?

CRYER: _(fuming)_ Past it? _Past it_?!? 

_(He starts to remove his uniform, grumbling all the time)_

CRYER: I'll show you past it, young fellow me lad!

_(This continues until Cryer reaches a state of complete and utter nudiness)_

CRYER: Who's past it now, P.C. Garfield?

GARFIELD: What's nudity got to do with it? I was talking about _love_!

CRYER: Love? You think I don't know about love? 

_(He begins stalking around the car park, ranting and raving most insanely)_

CRYER: I too have loved and lost, I too have felt the bitter tang of romance gone sour. I too have smelt the perfume of a rose while walking hand-in-hand down the moonlight dapple path of life. I too have-...

BOYDON: _(reappearing at the window)_ Shut up, granddad!

_(Boyden disappears once more and Garfield and Cryer just stare at each other for a while.)_

CRYER: So... Lovely weather, isn't it?

GARFIELD: Mmm... Lovely.

_(Dave Quinnan comes bursting through the cage doors. He too is naked.)_

QUINNAN: Georgie-Porgie! There you are.

GARFIELD: _(turning his back)_ I'm not talking to you.

QUINNAN: Sorry... You weren't meant to see that.

GARFIELD: Oh big frigging surprise!

QUINNAN: _(whines)_ Well, you were early!

GARFIELD: I didn't realise I would be messing up your shagging agenda.

QUINNAN: I don't have a shagging agenda. I prefer to be more spontaneous.

GARFIELD: Oh, and being 'spontaneous' entails cheating on me with my girlfriend, does it?

CRYER: Am I the only one to see something dreadfully wrong with that sentence?

GARFIELD: I thought Boyden told you to shut up. Do you mind? We’re trying to have a lovers' tiff!

QUINNAN: _(confused)_ Is there a reason why you're naked, Sarge?

GARFIELD: Never mind that!

QUINNAN: Well, I'd sorry, but I _do_ mind! It's horrible!

CRYER: Well, you're not exactly fun to look at yourself. They can perform miracles with laser hair removal these days, you know...

GARFIELD: _(getting really stroppy now)_ Look at _me_ goddamnit! This is meant to be about _me_! Me! Me! Me!

QUINNAN: Geez, chill out. The naked and agitated look really doesn't suit you.

_(Garfield bursts into tears and runs off to sulk behind the CID sedan.)_

CRYER: _(offhand)_ Now you've done it. He'll be there for days.

_(With impeccable timing, Tony Stamp pulls up in the area car, the remains of an unfortunate pedestrian dragging along behind him. He narrowly misses adding Cryer and Quinnan to the day's tally, but makes up for it by taking out one of the headlights of Jack Meadows' car.)_

STAMP: _(getting out of the car)_ Nude day today, is it? That sounds like a lark.

_(Tony immediately goes about the task of removing his uniform, stuffing the individual pieces back through the half-open window of the passenger side door. It doesn't take long.)_

STAMP: _(stretching)_ Aaah. That's much better. So. Why are we naked?

QUINNAN: _(rolling his eyes)_ Don't ask. George is being tiresome again.

STAMP: What's wrong? Did he finally realise you're boffing Jenny?

QUINNAN: Yeah, but I don't know what his problem is. He'd be doing it too if she'd let him.

STAMP: What you need to do is get yourself a probationer. Preferably one with a dishy mother.

QUINNAN: I tried. Cryer wouldn't let me.

CRYER: That's Sergeant Cryer to you.

STAMP: You're starkers, Sarge. Dave probably just forgot without the stripes to remind him.

CRYER: Besides, I doubt we'll be getting any probationers for quite a while now that Top Brass have found out all about those things you did with P.C. Ashton.

STAMP: They only found out because Luke told them. He thought he'd get extra marks for it at his monthly review.

QUINNAN: You should have stuck with me.

STAMP: Nah. Luke is much prettier. And _much_ more obliging.

QUINNAN: _(persuasively)_ But he's not here anymore, is he? _(suggestively)_ I'm here, though.

_(The wailing from behind the CID sedan gets a little louder.)_

STAMP: _(ponders)_ I might be able to fit you in next Tuesday...

CRYER: If the area car ends up in the state it was in last week, you're paying for the cleaning bill yourself this time, Stamp.

STAMP: Just put it on George Garfield's account.

GARFIELD: Oi! I heard that.

STAMP: _(rolls eyes)_ I'm shaking in my... 

_(He looks down)_

STAMP: Well, I would be if I was wearing any.

_(June Ackland runs screaming into the car park. She is rather charred looking and decidedly naked, save for a few burnt and tattered rags that frankly don't conceal anywhere near enough.)_

ACKLAND: Aaaaaagh! My house! My precious house!

CRYER: _(snapping into 'Uncle Bob' mode)_ There, there. What happened?

ACKLAND: Someone burned it down. Again. With me in it.

STAMP: _(quietly to Quinnan)_ They finally got it right.

QUINNAN: _(quietly back)_ No they didn't. She's still alive, isn't she?

STAMP: True.

ACKLAND: _(wailing)_ They got my cat again too. 

_(She pulls a charred feline corpse out from the frizzled remains of her hair.)_

ACKLAND: Poor Puss Puss!

CRYER: Puss Puss? What kind of name is that?

ACKLAND: _(suddenly realising)_ Never mind that. Why are you all naked on duty?

QUINNAN: Why are _you_ naked? I thought there was some sort of law against that.

ACKLAND: My house burnt down - remember? The fire burned my clothes off.

STAMP: Oh, that's _very_ convenient, isn't it? How many times is this now? Five?

ACKLAND: _(petulantly)_ ...Six.

CRYER: I don't think Brownlow's going to be quick to believe you. This is the second time this month, June.

ACKLAND: Can I help the fact that arsonists seem to target me more than the rest of you?

STAMP: Are you sure you're not just lighting them yourself?

ACKLAND: What are you trying to say? That I'm a pyromaniac?

STAMP: _(thinks for a moment)_ ...Yes.

ACKLAND: _(squawks)_ That's insubordination! That's just not on! That's tantamount to treason! That's... that's... that's true, actually. You've got me there.

STAMP: Bleeding obvious, wasn't it?

QUINNAN: The spot fires in the cells when you're duty sergeant...

CRYER: The computer explosions whenever you're rostered to the CAD room...

STAMP: The smoke streaming out through the vents in your locker...

BOYDON: _(reappearing at the window)_ Don't forget the time she tried to set fire to my favourite pair of wellingtons!

_(The naked people all look at each other, confused. Boyden sighs deeply, then slams the window closed again in disgust.)_

CRYER: _(gently)_ June, you have a problem. I suggest you seek help.

ACKLAND: _(tearing up)_ Don't you think I've tried? But every single time my eyes fall upon something too tempting to resist and I find myself setting fire to Brownlow's secretary, or Reg's garden, or... 

_(She pauses and her eyes light up)_

ACKLAND: Remember that giant pink stuffed elephant they had as a prize for the trivia night?

QUINNAN: I can't believe we're supposed to take orders from you.

STAMP: _(reminiscing)_ Luke and his mum were looking pretty damn hot that night...

CRYER: I'm afraid I'm going to have to tell Monroe on you, June.

ACKLAND: No! You dobber!

CRYER: I'm sorry, June. It has to be done. Inspector Monroe has a right to know that it was one of his sergeants who started the helmet fire that left him with that giant bald spot.

MONROE: Did someone say my name?

_(Monroe is just emerging from the cage. For some reason that I'm sure we're about to find out, he too is completely and utterly nude.)_

CRYER: Uh... We were just talking about June's house burning down again.

MONROE: _Again_?!? That's very careless of you, June.

CRYER: Yes. I think we should talk about that later...

MONROE: Oh? Okay then.

STAMP: May I ask why you're naked, Sir? Or is it _really_ nude day at Sun Hill?

_(Monroe looks down at himself, as though he's just noticed his own naked state.)_

MONROE: Oh. That's right. I was momentarily distracted from my task.

QUINNAN: Task?

MONROE: _(producing a ukulele from goodness knows where)_ I intend to serenade D.C.I. Meadows from beneath his office window.

ACKLAND: Naked?

MONROE: That's a long story.

QUINNAN: Tell us? We’ve nothing better to do.

MONROE: Aren't you on duty?

STAMP: Meh. That's a relative question.

MONROE: Oh well. As long as Brownlow doesn't catch you. The D.C.I and I have been having several... discussions... of late. He continually accuses me of being controlled by the uniform I wear. But I'm not! There's so much more to me than simply the uniform!

QUINNAN: Which explains the nudity thing.

MONROE: Well, for _me_ at least.

STAMP: Why do you care what Meadows thinks, anyway?

_(Monroe coughs and splutters for a few seconds before finally replying.)_

MONROE: Ahem! Well... hmm... _(grasping for a reason)_ Aha! For the sake of relations between CID and Uniform.

_(Dave and Tony snigger.)_

CRYER: Well, they could always do with a boost.

MONROE: My thoughts exactly.

STAMP: So you're going to... serenade him.

MONROE: Yes? And?

STAMP: Just seems a little dodgy to me, sir.

MONROE: I'm your superior, P.C. Stamp. I'm the one who decides what is and isn't dodgy around here. And, if I want to serenade Ja-... _D.C.I Meadows_ in the nude, then your job is to be supportive, not insubordinate.

QUINNAN: _(trying to be supportive)_ What are you going to sing?

MONROE: I was thinking 'Wannabe' by the Spice Girls.

STAMP: ... Isn't that all about sex?

MONROE: ...I mean a _different_ 'Wannabe' by _different_ Spice Girls.

_(Luckily Monroe's bumblings are interrupted by the arrival of a new car: Charles Brownlow's executive sedan, with Derek Conway at the wheel.)_

CRYER: It's Brownlow! Look busy!

_(They all busy themselves with doing important activities such as picking up errant pebbles, tidying up Cryer's pile of clothing, scraping the bits of dead granny off the Area Car fender... They're so busy, in fact, that it takes them a few moments to realise that Brownlow and Conway are also considerably lacking in the area of attire.)_

BROWNLOW: It's nice to see the station being so supportive for a change.

CRYER: Supportive of what, Sir?

BROWNLOW: Why, my meeting with the Canly Naturists Society, of course!

CRYER: Oh. Um... Yes, that's right.

BROWNLOW: Don't you want to know how it all went?

ACKLAND: _(unenthusiastically)_ Okay.

BROWNLOW: We were a hit! They especially appreciated Derek's talk on the transience of the uniformed state.

_(Conway throws a marked glare in the direction of his superior.)_

STAMP: _(interested)_ Does that mean we're going to be allowed to patrol in the nude now?

BROWNLOW: Of course not! What do you think this is? Nazi Germany?

QUINNAN: What's that got to do with anything?

BROWNLOW: Don't question your superiors.

_(Meanwhile, Conway is trying to cover his naughty bits, while edging towards the temptation of Cryer's discarded pile of clothing.)_

BROWNLOW: Derek! Remember that little talk we had this morning about solidarity?

CONWAY: But I'm _cold_. It's just not natural to be wandering around stark bollock naked in the middle of April.

BROWNLOW: Policing has nothing to do with nature. It's all about public relations and using the media to your advantage.

CONWAY: I draw the line at appearing naked on television.

BROWNLOW: It may not ever come to that.

CONWAY: It had better bloody not. Now, can we get inside before Jack Meadows catches me wandering around like this?

BROWNLOW: Must you be such a nag, Derek? We'll go inside when I'm ready to go inside - no sooner.

STAMP: _(quietly to Quinnan)_ Am I the only one thinking 'old married couple'?

QUINNAN: _(also quietly)_ No, and it's disgusting.

_(Reg Hollis wanders up the drive carrying a watering can. He, thankfully, is dressed.)_

HOLLIS: Hullo. What's happening here?

_(He catches sight of Meadows, Conway and Brownlow.)_

HOLLIS: Oh! I didn't realise _you_ were involved, Sirs.

BROWNLOW: Morning, Hollis. How's the garden getting along?

HOLLIS: Well, it was a bad winter for frosts, but I think we're starting to get some good re-growth. I'm hoping that... _(He pauses.)_ Am I meant to be naked too? I don't remember anything being said at parade this morning.

BROWNLOW: There's no need to strip off. These wonderfully station-minded people have done so to support Chief Inspector Conway and myself in our latest public relations endeavour, but there was no direct order for them to do so.

HOLLIS: _(seeing the perfect sucking-up opportunity disappearing right in front of his eyes)_ I hadn't realised. Otherwise, I would have been working naked for the past week. _(Almost pleadingly)_ Let me make up for it! Let me show just how supportive I can be!

_(Hollis immediately begins to disrobe. Everyone else looks nauseous and turns away.)_

CONWAY: There really is no need, Hollis. We're _more_ than aware of just how supportive you are.

HOLLIS: _(removing the last sock)_ It's okay. I don't mind.

CONWAY: _(under his breath)_ You may not, but I certainly do.

HOLLIS: _(enthusiastically)_ So! What now? Do you want me to call the Beeb? ITV? I'd suggest we don't bother with Channel Four, though. They'll only try to make it into something dirty and sordid.

CONWAY: Call anyone and I'll have you up in front of a disciplinary board before you can so much as re-lace your boots.

_(Reg frowns and decides to embark on a sullen silence.)_

STAMP: _(coming up with a good idea for a change)_ Why don't you go comfort George, Reg? He's been feeling a little down?

_(Reg nods sulkily and heads off behind the CID sedan.)_

QUINNAN: Thank God _he's_ gone.

HOLLIS: I _heard_ that!

QUINNAN: _(quietly)_ He says it as though I care.

CONWAY: _(whining)_ I'm cold. Can we _please_ go inside?

BROWNLOW: If you don't stop complaining, I'll make you spend all day tomorrow with D.C.I. Meadows - following _his_ orders.

_(Conway shuts up.)_

ACKLAND: _(deciding it's about time she got some more attention)_ My cat died.

_(No one cares.)_

ACKLAND: Heartless bastards.

_(A Panda pulls into the car park with Vicky Hagen at the wheel and Cass Rickman in the passenger seat. They stare in horror at the sight in front of them. Vicky hurries to get out of the car, but Cass lingers behind, putting off the inevitable.)_

HAGEN: _(with hands on hips)_ What the _hell_ is going on here? 

_(She surveys the gathered crowd.)_

HAGEN: Just another example of the Sun Hill boys club by the looks of things!

HOLLIS: _(helpfully from behind the car)_ Actually, we're assisting Chief Superintendent Brownlow in a public relations exercise.

HAGEN: Nice cover, but I don't believe a word of it. We're sick of these macho shows of exclusionary solidarity, aren't we, Cass?

_(There is no response.)_

HAGEN: Cass?

_(Cass is still huddled inside the Panda, covering her eyes. She shows no signs of coming to Vicky's aid any time soon.)_

HAGEN: Well, she _would_ be sick of it if she wasn't too busy being sickened by your gross display of male chauvinistic nudity.

ACKLAND: _(Who's had quite enough of this, thank you)_ P.C. Hagen, in the future you might like to take a little more time to size up the situation before jumping to conclusions and accusations.

HAGEN: What do you mean?

ACKLAND: _(crossly)_ Well! I'm a _woman_ , not a man.

HAGEN: That's debatable.

_(The others all snicker, but June doesn't appreciate the comment.)_

ACKLAND: I'll have you know, I'm more woman than _you'll_ ever be.

_(Hagen's only response is diabolical laughter.)_

ACKLAND: I am! I am! ...Aren't I?

_(She looks to the men for support, but none of them are quick to jump in.)_

ACKLAND: Oh, thanks a bloody lot.

HAGEN: Now, where was I?

QUINNAN: You were calling us a bunch of sexist bastards. Or words to that effect.

HAGEN: That's right. I was distracted by Ms. Gravity-is-not-your-friend.

_(She begins to take off her clothes. Cass - still in the car - immediately becomes much more interested in the view. She's not the only one.)_

STAMP: What are you doing? _(quickly)_ Not that I'm asking you to stop...

HAGEN: I'm showing you that women can do _anything_ as well as men - especially police work. If policing is going to involve nudity from now on... 

_(She removes her bra and waggles it in Brownlow's - rapidly reddening - face.)_

HAGEN: ...Then you'll soon see the power of a wazzle pair of jugs.

_(The others are stunned into silence by this display. Cass, however, has finally managed to exit the car.)_

HAGEN: Well? What have you got to say for yourselves?

BOYDON: _(sticking his head out of the window yet another time)_ Call that a wazzle pair of jugs? You're kidding, right?

HAGEN: _(offended)_ Excuse me?

BOYDON: Don't worry. I'm still happy to shag you any time you ask.

STAMP: You'd shag anything.

BOYDON: At least I leave the probationers alone.

STAMP: Not their mothers, though...

BOYDON: You're just annoyed because I wouldn't join in on that threesome you both wanted.

_(While the full value of that statement sinks in for the others, Boydie continues.)_

BOYDON: You've got a very nice body, Hagen. But if it comes down to wazzle jugs, then I'm afraid you've lost the argument.

_(Vicky is struck silent with anger. Luckily Cass is there to support her.)_

RICKMAN: What? Is that all?

_(She quickly disrobes in order to reveal the wazzlest pair of jugs in all the land.)_

RICKMAN: Satisfied?

_(Unbalanced by the weight of the tongue hanging out of his mouth, Boyden falls out of his window.)_

HAGEN: _(proudly)_ I think that's a yes.

_(Reg has crept out from behind the CID sedan in order to stared at the first naked women he's ever seen - Ackland being excluded for obvious reasons. He remains quiet, though, so no-one's too bothered.)_

BOYDON: I think I've broken something.

RICKMAN: Just as long as it's not your ego.

BOYDON: _(suddenly worried)_ Perhaps I'd better go call the F.M.E.

_(He staggers off through the cage and back into the station, passing Polly Page, who is on the way out. The latter catches sight of a naked Dave Quinnan and immediately runs screaming into the car park in a scene very reminiscent of Beatlemania.)_

PAGE: Aaaaaaaaagh! Ohmigod! Ohmigod! 

STAMP: Have you stopped taking your pills again, Polly?

PAGE: _(unconvincingly)_ Nooooo....

CRYER: I thought you were meant to be manning the CAD room.

PAGE: I was... but no one was answering any of my calls, so I thought I'd come out to investigate. 

HAGEN: Well, you're out. Now can you go away again?

PAGE: _(staring at Dave)_ No.

HAGEN: Piss off before I smash your stupid bucktoothed face in. _(She frowns, bemused.)_ I'm not sure where that came from, but it certainly felt good!

PAGE: _(self righteously)_ I have just as much right to be out here as you do, Vicky. More so, even. _I'm_ not naked.

RICKMAN: Good.

HAGEN: Please keep it that way.

PAGE: I'm not about to take orders from the two of you. 

RICKMAN: _(shrugging)_ We're only saying it for your own good. Let's face it, Dave's even less likely to fall madly in love with you if he's seen you with your kit off.

QUINNAN: She's probably right, you know.

_(Polly looks devastated at that remark.)_

PAGE: That was a very hurtful comment, Dave.

_(Tony snickers.)_

PAGE: What's wrong with you people? Have you removed all traces of decency with your uniforms? _(A pause.)_ Why are you naked anyway?

RICKMAN: None of your bloody business.

STAMP: And decency is overrated.

_(Polly looks towards Brownlow for support but he is too busy arguing with Conway about the temperature. Monroe is no good either as his attention is taken up by the complicated process of tuning his ukulele.)_

PAGE: That's it. If you can't beat them, join them.

_(She quickly removes her clothes. Vicky and Cass turn away, disgusted.)_

STAMP: Look at what you've done now, Dave.

QUINNAN: Hey, don't put the blame on _me_!

PAGE: _(trying to look sexy)_ Are you still so sure about not finding me attractive, Davey-boy?

QUINNAN: _(risking a quick glance)_ Positive.

_(Polly bursts into George-like tears and runs off to join Garfield behind the CID sedan.)_

STAMP: You're being a real heart-breaker today, aren't you, Dave.

QUINNAN: Meh. I still have Jenny. And you, whenever you can fit me in around Luke.

STAMP: And his mum.

QUINNAN: _(sighing)_ And his mum.

RICKMAN: I've always wondered about that. The three of you don't... No, I can't even say it.

HAGEN: Please _don't_ say it.

STAMP: No, we don't. What do you think I am?

CRYER: Probably best not to go into that right now. Wait until everyone's delicate bits are at least protected by a layer of clothing. 

_(While they're busy arguing about such matters, Smiffy manages to walk right up to the group undetected.)_

SMITH: What the _hell_ is going on out here?

RICKMAN: _(innocently)_ What do you mean?

SMITH: The blatant public display of nudity.

HAGEN: _(sighing)_ Let me guess. They never would have let you get away with this in the army.

SMITH: The exact opposite in fact. It was _compulsory_ to spend at least half an hour a day walking around completely naked. It was supposed to curb our sexual urges.

STAMP: _(bemused)_ Did it?

SMITH: What do you think? Hundreds of naked army-moulded men walking around you, holding their firm young bodies into the most flattering poses, carrying glistening guns in their... _(He coughs.)_ I mean, of course it did! What do you think I am? A bleedin' bender?

QUINNAN: _(rolling his eyes)_ No, of course not. You and Sam were just really good friends...

STAMP: And when you and Nick fight, it's just because you're angry at each other, not because you're trying to prompt fiery make-up sex...

HAGEN: And besides, there are no gays in the army...

RICKMAN: _(grinning)_ Not any more, anyway.

_(Smiffy glares at them all.)_

SMITH: What? Are you trying to say I can't get naked without turning into some sort of gay homosexual?

QUINNAN: I don't think being naked has anything to do with it.

SMITH: _(ignoring him)_ Well, if that's the case, then I'll prove you wrong!

_(Angrily, he starts pulling his clothes off and flinging them in all directions.)_

SMITH: _(muttering)_ Nobody ever accused me of being gay in the army...

_(It doesn't take long for Smiffy to remove every last item of clothing. Once done, he looks around self-righteously.)_

SMITH: Well?

RICKMAN: Well what?

SMITH: Well I'm not exactly chasing after any of the blokes out here, am I?

HAGEN: No, but that doesn't prove anything. They're not quite what I'd call... 

_(She trails off, looking for the right word.)_

RICKMAN: _(helpfully)_ Attractive?

HAGEN: Actually, I was thinking of 'tempting', but yours is better.

THE MEN: Oi!

PAGE: _(from behind the CID sedan)_ Speak for yourself, bitch!

_(Vicky just ignores her.)_

PAGE: Aha! That's got you thinking, hasn't it?!

_(Vicky exchanges a 'look' with Cass and they both start giggling.)_

SMITH: I'm going to go do something manly.

_(This sparks off more giggles, but he wanders over to the Area Car anyway, trying to retain at least a little of his dignity. Once there, he opens the bonnet and pretends to be very interested in the engine.)_

STAMP: _(yelling)_ Can you change the oil while you're in there?

_(Finally something happens to really test Smiffy's resolve - and sexual preference. Sam dazedly wanders up the driveway, muttering under his breath. Surprise, surprise, he too is naked.)_

SMITH: _(chanting under his breath)_ I'm not going to look, I'm not going to look, I'm not going to look...

HARKER: _(muttering)_ The truth is out there...

_(Sam finally makes it to the gathering of uniform officers.)_

RICKMAN: _(worriedly)_ Are you okay, Sam?

HARKER: _(vaguely)_ Whaaat?

RICKMAN: Are you okay? You look a little... strange.

HARKER: Strange? No, everything's wonderful.

HAGEN: If everything's wonderful, where are your clothes?

HARKER: Clothes?

_(He looks down at himself and looks genuinely surprised to see flesh rather than clothing.)_

HARKER: Oh yeah...

HAGEN: _(impatiently)_ Well?

HARKER: I have no idea what happened to those. They must have kept them for more experiments, I guess.

RICKMAN: They?

HARKER: _(patronisingly)_ The aliens, of course.

STAMP: Aliens? Are you pulling our legs or something?

HARKER: No. Why would I be doing that? 

STAMP: You're _not_ feeling okay, are you... _(to Dave)_ Perhaps we should go get the F.M.E or something.

QUINNAN: It won't do any good. The first couple of times he got like this, Boyden called in the F.M.E., but she couldn't find anything wrong with him.

STAMP: He should have called in the bloody shrink.

RICKMAN: _(gently)_ What aliens, Sam?

HARKER: The ones that abduct me every Tuesday afternoon.

HAGEN: But today's Wednesday.

HARKER: Apparently they've been really busy this week.

RICKMAN: What do the aliens do when they abduct you?

STAMP: Apart from steal your clothing, that is.

HARKER: They conduct experiments and collect voice patterns for their preparations to invade earth.

RICKMAN: Oh.

ACKLAND: And you people think _I_ have a problem.

HARKER: In return, I get to stay alive once they're supreme rulers of the universe.

STAMP: That's handy.

_(Harker nods seriously. Once he turns away, Tony makes loony signals at the others, who look to be in complete agreement. Sam wanders off to stare dazedly at a very ordinary stone on the ground.)_

HAGEN: He's never been the same since Smiffy dumped him for Nick.

SMITH: _(yelling from the Area Car)_ Oi! I'm not a bleedin' bender!

_(As if to test this statement, there is another bang of the cage as Nick Klein himself walks unsteadily into the car park. He is giggling away merrily and clutching a suspicious looking cigarette in his left hand. He too is naked. Smiffy's mantra gets a little louder.)_

SMITH: I'm not going to look, I'm not going to look, I'm not going to look...

_(He sneaks a peek.)_

SMITH: _(a little desperately)_ Not a bleedin' bender, Not a bleedin' bender, Not a bleedin' bender...

_(Still giggling, Nick wanders over to join his very straight friend.)_

KLEIN: 'Ello Smiffy. Where did all your clothes go?

SMITH: _(trying not take another look)_ I could ask you the same question.

KLEIN: I asked first.

SMITH: I'm proving to the others that I'm not a bender.

KLEIN: You've changed your tune since last night.

_(Smiffy glares at him and flashes a quick look over to the others, hoping desperately that they haven't heard. They show no sign of having done so, but Smiffy's not about to let Nick off the hook that easily.)_

SMITH: Shhh! I thought I told you not to discuss those things at work.

KLEIN: _(taking a long drag of his 'cigarette')_ Hey, chill out, man...

SMITH: _(starting to get a little suspicious)_ What's that you're smoking? It smells funny.

_(Nick just taps the side of his nose and gives Smiffy a knowing look.)_

SMITH: And you're acting funny too. _(He frowns.)_ You finally managed to find your stash, didn't you? God, Nick! You know how I feel about you smoking that shit. Why do you think I hid it in the first place?

KLEIN: _(petulantly)_ It's only a bit o' puff.

SMITH: Yeah, and you're meant to be on duty.

_(He snatches it from Nick's hand and drops it on the ground, stubbing it out with his foot before realising that he's not wearing any shoes.)_

SMITH: Oww! 

KLEIN: Spoilsport.

SMITH: Now, go inside and put some clothes on before Dave and Tony start ogling you. 

KLEIN: _(smiling)_ You're jealous.

SMITH: _(thrown)_ No I'm not. I'm just... thinking of your professional future.

KLEIN: You are! You're jealous.

_(Smiffy stomps his foot.)_

SMITH: I'm not. _(His voice begins to rise.)_ And I'm not a _bleedin' bender_!!!

STAMP: _(calling over to him)_ Oh, give up, Smiffy. It doesn't matter how loud you yell it. We're still not going to believe you.

SMITH: _(muttering)_ This would never have happened in the army.

_(Nick starts giggling again, which just makes Smiffy's glare grow a little darker.)_

SMITH: Go put some clothes on, would you?

KLEIN: Not until you do.

SMITH: I can't. I'm proving a point. 

KLEIN: Well don't go telling me what to do, then.

_(They glare at each other for a while, sexual tension fizzling almost visibly between them. They're only distracted from doing something that would definitely have destroyed Smiffy's point by another bang of the cage doors. A mysterious figure runs yelling into the car park, wearing only a Terminator helmet.)_

TERMINATOR: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

_(No one is particularly impressed.)_

HAGEN: _(boredly)_ Oh, cut it out, Boyden. We all know it's you.

BOYDON: _(put out)_ How? You can't see my face.

RICKMAN: Who else runs around the station in a Terminator helmet.

BOYDON: _(after a long pause)_ ...John Boulton?

STAMP: That's a Robocop helmet.

BOYDON: Damn. 

ACKLAND: I take it the F.M.E. didn't find any permanent damage, then.

BOYDON: I never called her. I got distracted.

QUINNAN: By the helmet, right?

BOYDON: Noooooooo...

_(Sam looks up from his stone, sees Boyden, and starts screaming in terror.)_

SMITH: _(to Nick)_ Maybe I should go explain to him.

KLEIN: You do and I'll burn your Rolf Harris records.

SMITH: Now who's jealous.

_(Nick pokes his tongue out at him. Smiffy tries very hard not to do anything non-heterosexual to it.)_

BOYDON: What's with Sam?

QUINNAN: He's been abducted by aliens again.

BOYDON: I thought that only happened on Tuesdays.

RICKMAN: They re-scheduled him.

BOYDON: Oh.

_(Suddenly a loud battle emanates from the general direction of the cage. The naked officers all turn to see what it could be, and are greeted by the sight of the entire CID - minus Rod Skase and John Boulton - running towards them, handcuffs at the ready.)_

DEAKIN: Right! You're all-...

_(Jack Meadows buts in.)_

MEADOWS: Except for Inspector Monroe.

DEAKIN: _(sighing)_ Except for Inspector Monroe, you're all under arrest for indecent exposure.

_(There is a flurry of handcuff-snapping and rude-bit-covering and finally the entire Uniform contingent of Sun Hill are ready to be relayed up to the cells.)_

BROWNLOW: You can't do this! I'm you're superior officer!

PROCTOR: I do hope you're not trying to use your rank to avoid prosecution, Sir.

BROWNLOW: _(angry splutter)_

MEADOWS: Right, take them inside to be processed.

_(With a bit of pushing and shoving, CID manage to do just that. Meadows stays behind, smiling happily.)_

MEADOWS: I've been wanting to do that for years... _(pause)_ Hey! Who broke my car?

**13th October 2001**


End file.
